


Intermission

by LucyLightwood



Series: A Story In Three Parts [2]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, dealing w ptsd and depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-09-23 13:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9660128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucyLightwood/pseuds/LucyLightwood
Summary: Going after their dreams is exactly what they need to do. But coping with being apart will not be easy.





	1. Part I

Lukas was smiling, and definitely staring at his boyfriend. Well, at his _phone_ since they were Skyping to keep in touch. It was hard, finding time. He spent most part of the day at the gym training. It was exhausting but he needed to be in his best shape for the races. Philip knew how hard it was to be _good_ in motocross and how much time it took him to exercise so they didn't fight much about when or how they talked. 

Well, at least Lukas thought Philip wasn't angry about it. It's not like he could call him all the time. And it wasn't like Philip wasn't busy either. He had his classes, and his projects and well, the puppy to take care of.

"You look tired" 

"Dude, I am" He smiled, trying not to yawn. "A lot of training. It's a bit boring, really, but I have a race coming up so that's finally some action"  
"I'm sure it's going to be great" Philip yawned. That made him feel a little bit better and not so much like a bastard for being so tired.  
The truth was, he missed him way too much. Being around the country riding and stuff; it was lonely. And it wasn't like he wanted to fuck any of his colleagues. 

"You? Too much work?" 

Philip nodded at that and closed his eyes for a moment. Lukas could see he was laying somewhere, he wasn't sure if it was his sofa or his bed. 

"How's Max?" 

"Unbearable" Philip smiled, eyes closed. He looked so beautiful. God, he hated how life was pulling at them from different places. He really hated it. 

"Shush, I'm sure he is being a great boy"

Philip opened his eyes and moved his phone so Lukas could see the dog lying next to him. "Say hi," Philip said.

Lukas chuckled but did so, cooing at the dog. He remembered Lukas because they did try to see each other every three months. And, well, that puppy was the most adorable thing in the world.  
Lukas wasn't even close to finishing when he heard voices and Philip looked back at him through the phone screen.

"Sorry, Lukas. I really got to go" 

"Oh, okay" Lukas smiled softly "Talk to you tomorrow" 

Philip half-nodded and waved goodbye before ending the call. Fuck distance, really.

*

**From: Philip  
I miss u**

**From: Philip  
fuck, Lukas**

**From: Philip  
I'm sorry**

**To: Philip  
R u okay? i miss u too **

**To: Philip  
Philip, I'm calling you**

**To: Philip  
Philip please pick up**

*

Philip stared at his phone. Fifteen missed calls. All from Lukas. He closed his eyes and pressed two fingers to his forehead. He wanted to be strong enough to pick up and talk to him, but being away made him feel more and more lonely and... maybe speaking wasn't the best thing to do at the moment. 

God, the damn headache.

Philip chuckled, feeling pathetic and looked at the half empty bottle of vodka on the floor next to him. God, drinking on the bathroom floor? He had really hit rock bottom, hadn't he? 

Why couldn't he be happy? He was better, he really was. Everyone said so. His therapist thought he was doing good, Helen and Gabe were happy with him, his projects and photography's had never been better. Lukas looked at him like... like he always did. But would he still love him if they were in the same place? He wasn't so sure about it. He had done things Lukas would hate him for. He was sure of it.

God.

Why did he always had to mess everything up?

Philip hugged his own legs and pressed his face against his knees. He was just like his mum, wasn't he? Yeah, he didn't do drugs but there he was, drinking and crying in the fucking bathroom. 

"I'm so sorry" he whispered, hearing Max's soft barks against the door. The poor thing knew he wasn't okay and was trying to get it. Poor thing. He was going to mess him up too, wasn't he? Philip kept his eyes shut until the door opened up. 

"Call him" 

Philip didn't look up from the bed.

"You have to talk to him, you know?"

No. He could postpone it forever, it wasn't like they were going to cross paths anytime soon. The last time they were going to meet up, Lukas cancelled because he had a big race. 

"I'll do it" He said, only so his roommate would leave him alone. 

"Tomorrow" 

"Okay. Good. Try to get some sleep, Philip"

"Yeah..." 

*

"So you don't mind?" Lukas took the beer that was offered to him. He was having some drinks with other riders. It was nice, being friendly with them. But when everyone started talking about their boyfriends or girlfriends he really didn't know what to say. 

"Why would we?" One of the girl riders said, looking confused. "It's not like being gay makes you run faster. I'm still winning all the races this season" 

Lukas laughed, yeah _right_. Damn. He had been so stupid for so fucking long. Philip was going to laugh at him when he knew about this. They all were extremely cool about him being gay. Apparently, the only ones that cared were sponsors. And yeah, it had been rough. Not many wanted to work with him and maybe he didn't have the best equipment or he didn't get the best hotels but he was so happy. Touring the fucking US doing what he loved and getting paid for it. 

_Fuck_.

He smiled and took a selfie, sending the picture to Philip minutes later. No answer. Hm. Well, Philip was surely asleep or busy. He would answer soon. Right? Right.

God, Lukas missed him so much. It felt like... something at the back of his heart, something that pulled him down when he least expected it. Everything was good, or at least that was what he told himself, and then that nagging feeling would push through all the good things and made him sad. 

"So, who's this boyfriend of yours?" 

"Philip" His eyes light up when he said his name, he knew that. And, yeah, knowing it had involved seeing his own face in some pictures that their friends had taken of them and... yeah it was embarrassing the way he looked at Philip but he couldn't help himself. He just couldn't. 

"Well, _show us_ " 

Oh.

"Right" Lukas chuckled and pulled a picture on his phone of them together. It had been almost six months since they last saw each other but the photo still warmed his heart. 

"God, he's hot," Leah said, looking closely and smirking. God, she really had no filter sometimes. 

"Dude, back off" He chuckled and blushed slightly. Telling people about him and Philip made him vulnerable in a way that was hard to explain. He was not _embarrassed_ about them and he was not trying to hide it anymore but it still felt... like his chest was being cut open for everyone to see.

"So, like, what's your deal?"

"Uh?" Lukas had no idea what he was being asked.

"Well you are not together _together_ " 

"We are" Lukas didn't mean for it to sound like a question but he truly had no clue what they were asking.

"What Josh is trying to ask you," Leah said, sounding annoyed "is if you have a special deal since you have a long distance relationship. You know, just Gabe being an asshole" 

"Hey!" Josh was clearly not amused. 

"Special deal? What do you mean by that?" Lukas started to feel anxious, he wished he had Max with him or... just something to calm himself. He started pinching his arm, it hurt a bit and that made him focus. It wasn't a good idea and he reminded himself not to let it escalate. He was allowed to pinch himself but that was it. No cutting or anything. He was good. Everything was good. 

"Like can you see other guys? Or like phone sex is okay with the two of you?" 

Ugh. Lukas really wondered why people were so fucking interested in the sexual lives of other people. Like he didn't get it. Rose had wanted to share something about her and Aaron's private life and he almost died. 

He really didn't talk about it with people, and he knew Philip didn't either. Because... well, that would be really disrespectful wouldn't it? What Philip and he did inside the bedroom -and sometimes in... other places- was private, and delicate. He wanted no one to know how special it was. And he definitely wanted no one thinking about Philip naked. That was for his eyes only.

"Of course not. We don't date other people, are you crazy?!" 

"Dude, chill. Just asking, you know? My girlfriend is allowed to do whatever." 

And Lukas didn't understand that either but he wasn't going to be rude. 

"We don't do that. And I'm sure Philip would talk to me if something was going on" 

He was sure of it. But... the rest of the night didn't feel quite right. 

*

"Hey" Philip finally picked up, and it made him so happy he was about to burst. The race he had just won -barely- had been a tough one and he was exhausted. The only thing he wanted was to go home - _to the hotel_ \- and hug Philip. But he wasn't there, so he only wanted to do the next best thing: hear his voice and his soft smile and maybe hear more about his life in the City and his stuff about photography and how his boy was doing. 

"Hey you... how's it going?"

Silence. A long sigh. What was going on?

"Just... nothing. Sorry" 

God. Philip had cried, he was sure of it. He knew that tone. Or maybe not cried, maybe it was a panic attack? A nightmare. God, so many things could have gone wrong. 

"I'll make a wild guess" Lukas tried "you witnessed a triple homicide and you can't tell me because you were cheating on me"

A chuckle, then a small laugh. _Yes_. Lukas felt like a king. 

"You are so stupid, Lukas" 

"And what's better, you were cheating on me with a woman!"  
Philip laughed loudly this time, and it made butterflies fly around in his chest and belly. 

"No, you complete _idiot_. I would never cheat on you" 

Lukas smiled, of course, he wouldn't. He had been stupid to ever have the slightest doubt. 

"So you did witness a triple homicide again?" 

"Not funny" 

"Sorry" Lukas bit his own lip, sometimes joking about it was the only way to cope because it made it less real, less threatening. The killer was dead after all. Right? They were okay. Everything was good. And they had even left Tivoli -for now- so it wasn't like something or someone was going to remind them of it. 

"How was your race?"

"I won," He said, grinning and he knew Philip heard it in his voice. He just knew.

"Congratulations" 

Lukas frowned, that wasn't the usual sassy answer he got. Sometimes Philip was like: _oh that must really inflate that ego of yours_ , _or can you become rich faster? I got bills to pay_.

"Philip, what's wrong?"

Long silence. Lukas had learned to wait for him. Wait during the silences. It wasn't a good idea to push Philip, it never worked and he knew the boy would talk to him if he had the time to listen.

"Everything" 

"Everything? Philip... We are safe, everything's fine" 

"No. Everything's... falling apart, Lukas" Shaky breath. Silence. "I thought this was the best thing for me, for us. I thought I could do this. I thought I could be _normal_ , so you wouldn't throw me away like trash"

"You are not trash" Lukas stood up as if he could reach to him with that gesture. He couldn't. He couldn't even see him. Was Philip going to see his therapist? It didn't sound like it. God. Helen would be so worried if she knew he was in this state... She clearly didn't. Lukas knew he would hate him if he told Helen. God, how the tables had turned.

"Philip, listen to me... Look, do you need a break from school? I can pay a plane ticket, Philip. Come see me. We can talk about it." 

Dry laugh. "I can't take a break from school, Lukas. Not everyone has the _money_ to do stuff like that. I am already using Gabe and Helen's and not giving it back!"

"They are your parents!"

Long silence. Alright. Maybe too soon?

"Philip? Philip!" 

He hung up. Alright, that only made Lukas more worried and... God, Philip was going to hate him for this. 

*

"Lukas? Lukas!" 

Lukas blinked a couple of times and looked to his trainer, he was really... He wasn't paying any attention to whatever he was supposed to do at the gym, and he was going to get a talk about it, he was sure of it. He tried not to groan.

"Sorry, I was distracted. Won't happen again" 

His trainer was a middle age woman who was extremely strict but capable and he trusted her to keep him in shape so he would be as safe as possible during his races. 

"What's wrong?" She said, crossing her arms and passing a water bottle to him. 

"Just... I called my boyfriend’s mom last night" 

Katelyn clearly had no idea what was going on, and she raised an eyebrow to him. "So? Did she scream at you or something? We need you at the top of your game, Lukas" 

He sighed. He wanted that, of course, he did, but how could he focus on his career when his boy was having a meltdown miles and miles away from him? It wasn't right. It just wasn't. And he felt like shit. He felt like he should just drop everything and run to Philip and... No. That wouldn't help. It would only make Philip feel more guilty and it would be worse.  
Lukas clenched his teeth. 

"I think Philip's having a crisis or something. So I told her. He's going to be mad at me. Like super pissed" 

"You did what was right, Lukas. Now, I need you to train, or do you want your ribs to break on your next jump?"

Lukas rolled his eyes, she was so dramatic sometimes. Hell, he survived a serial killer, dying on a motocross race would be so anticlimactic.

"He's going to be pissed at me and I don't know if he won't run away again. And I want to go see him" Hepanted because running on a treadmill and talking is not a good combo. "But I don't think he wants to see me. We were supposed to meet a couple months ago but he cancelled."

Kate sighed, she wasn't very good with feelings. Lukas could relate, even if he was much better at it now.

"Let the grown-ups handle this for once? Your boyfriend has parents, Lukas" 

He thought about that. Sometimes it really felt like they only had each other. It wasn't that Bo wasn't supportive -as supportive as he could be- or that Helen and Gabe were horrible, but after everything... No one else understood what they had seen or how they felt. Everyone tried to make them feel better about some things that would never be alright. He knew that, and Philip knew that. So when they were together, they didn't pressure each other to be perfect or to fix those cracks. Those would always be there, and maybe it would break them; maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it would make them stronger somehow. Or maybe they would learn how to live with it. They wouldn't fall apart or become stronger, but they would keep on living. Maybe that was what a second chance was. 

"I am a grown-up" he muttered because explaining anything else would be sharing too much. "You always say so" 

She groaned. Okay, he liked to piss her off a bit. 

"You are acting like a teenager right now, so you better run like a teenager and not an old man. Come on! Keep going, stop complaining".

*

**From: Philip  
You are an ass**

**To: Philip  
I'm sorry, u scared me**

**From: Philip  
I know. I'm back home**

**To: Philip  
Shit. Helen?**

**From: Philip  
Call me**

Well, that was better than what he had expected. Lukas paced around in his room trying to figure it out. Was Philip mad? He didn't sound mad. Maybe Helen had talked to him nicely? Oh, maybe Gabe had talked to him. That would've saved his ass so much. Gabe always knew what to say. If he ever became a dad, he wanted to be like him.

"Hey" 

"Hey, Lukas" Okay, he didn't sound angry. That was a good sign.

"I'm sorry, but you totally scared me, dude. And I didn't know what else to do. You sounded really, real-..." 

"I tried to drown myself once" 

Lukas felt his heart stop. Philip did this type of thing. He would just drop a major bomb on him on the most inconvenient way. This time it was on the fucking phone. They were miles away and Lukas could not comfort him in any way and... Oh, my God. The Water. Lukas closed his eyes and tried to breathe slowly, his heart aching. 

"Philip, I-... I can imagine" He whispered, sitting on the edge of his bed. Eyes closed, trying to picture Philip standing right in front of him.

"I know" Did he? He had never told Philip about his own thoughts about ending his life, although maybe those were obvious to him. The brunette knew him really well. 

"You should have told me. I would've... You know I would do anything" 

"I know, Lukas. It was a long time ago... I wasn't going to do anything like that ever again" He stopped, but Lukas didn't talk. He knew he was going to say more "But then..." 

Lukas stroked his forehead, trying not to imagine Philip thinking about it, and definitely trying not to see him cold and pale like in his nightmares. 

"But you thought about it again" 

"Yeah" Philip sighed "Thecity is great but I was all alone. It had never mattered before... But now not even my mom was there. I didn't know what to do" 

"You could've..." What? Call him? See him? He was away too, he was letting him down. 

"I could've done a lot of things, I guess. Helen told me to take a couple weeks off. She said it's okay. I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week to adjust my meds." 

Lukas pinched his nose. "Have you been drinking, Philip? You promised you wouldn't..." 

Philip had promised not to drink while taking medication. They both had promised, actually. And he had kept his part of the deal, mostly because he had no desire to get more panic attacks. The meds were... yeah, he didn't like taking it much, but they were actually good and he knew Philip was aware of all of this. He wasn't stupid. 

"I just... Maybe I'm just like my mom" His voice broke, and Lukas' heart did too. 

It was hard to find the words. Because Lukas wanted to say Philip was nothing like his mom. But that would be a lie, wouldn't it? They were both soft and sweet and nice. Maybe Philip would never put drugs before family, and maybe Philip had seen enough shit for a lifetime but he had his mom's good things. How could he express all that but let him know there was no way he was an addict?

"Your mom's nice. You are not an addict, Phillip" 

Silence. Silence? He heard a small sniffling sound and tried not to feel tears in his own eyes. 

"I'm not doing well either, you know? I just... I train all day and when I'm not training or travelling or racing I'm sleeping. But I do know how you feel." He spoke softly, knowing Philip was still listening. "We're going to get through this" 

"I'm sorry for worrying you"

"I'm happy you told me" He whispered because he was. Lukas would never forgive himself if something happened to Philip. "We're going near Tivoli soon, do you mind if I go see you?" 

A small chuckle. "No, I don't mind." 

"Good. Because you missed your last date and I'm about to demand full custody of our child" 

Laughter.

"You are ridiculous. Max stays with me" 

"We will see about that" He smirked. 

*

"No, that's a really good one" Lukas smiled, looking at the pictures his boyfriend was showing him. Being together again was good. Extremely good. It felt like home. He wasn't stupid, Philip wasn't okay. He had been more quiet than usual, tugging at his sleeve from time to time. Was he ashamed? Yeah, he probably was. Telling someone you wanted to commit suicide is not easy or simple. Lukas knew that.

At least they had gotten to see each other in the midst of everything that was going on. They were curled up in Philip's bed, trying not to make out too much because the house wasn't empty yet. 

"I'm being stupid" Philip whispered, his head resting on his chest. "I know I am, but I can't help it"

"You are not being stupid" He responded, eyes closed. Lukas caressed his back softly, feeling the skin under Philip's shirt. "It's going to be okay. I promise"

He didn't know what else to say, because sometimes he didn't believe things could ever be okay, sometimes he felt more than stupid, sometimes he also wanted to die. 

Philip remained silent for a long while. Their dog, Max, jumped onto the bed and neither one of them had the heart to tell him to get off. The dog clearly knew something was wrong and was trying to comfort Philip, nuzzling his head against Philip's hand. 

"Shh, boy" the brunette whispered, touching the pup's head. 

"We are going to have a lot of dogs" Lukas started, not sure of where he was going with this, but knowing he had to keep talking. It made him feel good, thinking about his life with Philip. It felt right in a way he couldn't explain. "And they are going to make our life a living hell with all the barking and stuff" 

Philip chuckled and shifted, not pulling away.

"Do you think we should...?" 

"Philip?" Lukas opened his eyes at that. "Should what?" 

"Don't know." 

"You don't know?"

Philip sighed and looked up at him "If you want to break up, I would..." 

"What? No. I don't want to...!" He paused. "Do you want to...?" 

Philip frowned and shook his head. Oh. Oh, thank God. Lukas was about to jump out the window. If his boy said something like that again he wasn't sure he was going to be able to just go around the fucking country leaving him behind. It would kill him. Just the thought of... Philip taking pictures of some other boy made him sick.

"It's just that... I don't know. I feel like-..." 

Oh, right. Philip.

"You are not a burden" 

Silence.

They stared at each other, and just like that they silently agreed to stay together as long as they could. As long as they felt like. As long as they loved each other.

Philip smiled at him -the first smile that felt genuine- and moved closer until they could kiss. 

"I love you" Lukas whispered, he had started to say it to Philip's face because his boy deserved that. His boy was so ready to love and be nice and say that type of things, he couldn't just... keep it hidden anymore.

"I love you too, Lukas" 

And that was all he needed.


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for the late update. Summer is really not a good time for me, and my grandma broke her hip this March so... things have been a little bit complicated.  
> Also: Med School.  
> But anyways, I'm back >)

Philip smiled staring at his camera -a professional one-, he was shooting videos of Lukas for his final work. And, yeah, maybe making his final paper about sports was an excuse to travel with him for a little while. But why not? They had been apart for almost four years already, and even though things weren't always okay, they had found a way to make it work. For instance, falling asleep all alone was hard sometimes so they would call eachother, whisper soft things or just listen to each other's breathe. 

It was nice. 

Sometimes Philip liked that they were away. Especially those days when he was completely silent for hours and his mind drifted away to dark things. He liked that Lukas was unable to see that, how torn he was from time to time. At least when they talked he was always as good as possible. 

Lukas was much more open than him, and Philip knew that. He had seen a lot of breakdowns from the blonde and he knew that was the normal thing to do, but he was unable to be that vulnerable all the time. It wasn't that he didn't trust Lukas, damn, it was the one person he trusted the most, but it became difficult to find the words to explain that black hole inside his chest pulling and threatening to tear him apart.

He talked to his therapist, though. That was nice, at least. 

"How do I look?"

Philip looked up from the screen when he heard Lukas' voice. Damn. Lukas was standing near the bathroom door, completely naked and clearly fresh out of the shower. Philip used all his power to not look directly down at his dick and made eye contact for a couple of seconds first. 

"Right now?" Philip teased, now fully looking down and appreciating how _big-_

"No, idiot. Your shots" Lukas laughed and threw a towel at him, making him laugh. Okay. Things were much better, Philip knew that. His mind liked to overthink absolutely everything over and over again. 

"They are okay" Philip moved a little bit on the hotel's bed, allowing Lukas to jump right next to him. They moved closer and looked at the pictures he had taken. They were good, and it surprised Philip to be able to think that. Back in the day, when they both lived in Tivoli 24/7 he was completely unsure of himself, he was unable to even _think_ he was good at anything. Let alone taking pictures. Besides, being a photographer does not make money, and he would need money, right? Well, sometimes life does take some weird turns. 

"They are more than okay, they are amazing" 

Philip smiled at that and rested his head on Lukas' warm shoulder. Some small water drops fell on his face and he chuckled. 

"Christ, Lukas, did you even dry yourself first?"

"Of course I did, dude" Lukas turned slightly, reaching down and kissing him on the lips. "I'm going to grab a drink with some friends. Wanna come?" 

Philip frowned at that "I thought we were staying in tonight"

"Yeah, but they texted me. Come on, it will be fun" 

"You go. I have to work on this." 

"Philip, are you mad?"

Philip was mad.

"No."

"Alright... I'll be back early, okay?"

"Sure" 

*

"Aw man, Philip is a cool dude. How come he didn't want to hang out?" Josh looked really sad about it, and it kind of made Lukas' heart warm a little bit. He knew Philip was amazing, but seeing his friends think that just... made him really happy.

Having friends who were also racers wasn't precisely easy, not only were they competing for the same things, but sometimes they wouldn't see each other for months or even for a whole year. Sometimes they would only see each other during a race. He hadn't seen Josh in like, four months? 

"How's your girlfriend?"

"Awesome" He smirked and showed him his phone screen. Josh's girlfriend wanted to be a model or something like that. She was pretty, and every time Lukas' saw her picture he _knew_ how gay he was. Because she was incredibly beautiful, he wasn't blind, but oh boy. 

"Cool. You still with that open thing, whatever?"

"Yup. Don't judge me. How's your _not_ -open thing?" 

Lukas chuckled and drank a little more of his beer "Cool. He's doing his final work about sports and motocross and stuff. So he's been with me for a while, taking pictures of the races and other sports while I train. It's cool"

"Mh, what are you going to do once he gets his degree? I mean he has to find a job or something"

Ugh. He _was_ older than Lukas but _why_ did he have to be so... responsible about shit? Lukas wanted to enjoy the time he had with Philip, just be together and... well, forget that there was a tomorrow. One day at a time, right?

They had figured it out so far, they would keep doing it. It's not like a motocross career lasts forever. In his heart, of course, it was, he would be a racer forever. But reality said racers retire in their mid-thirties, some privileged few continued into their late thirties. It's hard work, extreme training and extreme races. Lukas wasn't stupid, he didn't want to die on a race or fucking ruin his body. 

There were other things he wanted to do, to see. And most of those involved Philip in one way or another. For example, he wanted to travel _with_ Philip. He also wanted to get married to Philip. And have a house, and maybe some farm animals? But he wouldn't kill them. No more death around them. 

He wanted much more, but he didn't dare think about it yet. What if thinking about it made it go away? He needed all of that. All of it.

"I don't know. Can we just drink and stop talking?"

Josh laughed "Sure, the rest of the boys are about to get here" 

"When Katya finds out you said 'the boys' without considering her, she is going to kill you"

"Oh, God. Don't tell her" 

Lukas laughed, trying not to worry.  
*

"You are drunk, Lukas" Philip's voice was sweet, he was probably amused. Lukas smiled closing his eyes again, yeah he was drunk but he didn't care. He moved closer to his boyfriend on the bed and hug him tightly. 

"I'm not drunk, I'm okay... come here, kiss me" Lukas pressed his lips against Philip's, smiling a little bit and feeling dizzy. He frowned when the brunette pulled away.

"You are drunk, _rest_ "

Lukas nodded because he doubted he would be able to fuck him without falling asleep mid-process. Alcohol always made him so sleepy, he had no idea why. 

"Never leave me, Philip" He whispered, or at least he thought he did. 

"I won't" 

He smiled and fell asleep. 

*

Lukas woke up curled up right next to Philip. He smiled, looking at his shape, illuminated by the sun coming through the window. It was nice. Extremely nice. He wanted to move closer and smell his skin and hold him tightly and kiss him and see his eyes and be the first thing Philip would see. 

He sighed, trying not to feel stupid for thinking all of that stuff. He really couldn't help it. The moments they had together he really tried to enjoy and appreciate. Soon Philip would be gone again and looking for a job or something. He wanted to be there, to be just a normal kid like him. 

Who was he kidding? He loved his job, he loved his sport. He wasn't going to give it up. Not after everything they had gone through.   
Lukas closed his eyes and tried to put order inside his mind. It was hard some days, to just have a straight line of thought. He wondered if it was the same for Philip. The brunette was always so... articulate.   
There were so many things he wanted to express to him and he had no idea how. 

Ugh. His head was aching. It wasn't the worst hangover he had ever had, but he really needed some painkillers. Trying not to wake the sleeping beauty next to him, Lukas got up from the bed and moved to his bag. 

"Lukas?"

Shit.

"Hey, go back to sleep"

"How're you feeling?"

Lukas shrugged swallowing two pills with a big gulp of water and turned around to see him. 

"I'm good." Actually, he was really, really good.

There was a small silence between the two of them, Philip was sitting up and clearly getting ready to get up. His hair was a mess, his cheek had pillow imprints and he was almost sure he had drooled a bit over his shirt. Still, Lukas had never seen a boy so fucking gorgeous. 

Shit.

A strong feeling moved deep inside his chest, almost as if it was waking from a deep slumber. Lukas wanted this. Wanted this so much and he wanted it for all of his life. He knew it. It was almost like when he went for motocross. He wanted this.

Lukas didn't know if it was desire, or what it was, but he... He felt compelled to act.

And, well, he had never been good at thinking before acting.

"Marry me," He said, water bottle still in his hand, standing a few feet away from the bed. Suddenly he noted how absurd he must have looked, recently awake, only in his shirt and boxer with a fucking hangover and... proposing. 

Philip looked at him, sitting on the bed and seemed to hold his breath for a couple of seconds. His eyes were so big Lukas wanted to jump on the bed and kiss him hard. 

"What?"

"I-..." He didn't want to back-track. He didn't want to say he was sorry. Lukas left the water bottle and walked towards the bed. "I thought about it. And you were there and... And I just... Would you? Would you want to?"

Philip moved quickly, getting up from the bed and slightly away from him. Ouch. What was that? Was that a no?

"Lukas, what are you even talking about?"

Alright. This was the time to act, to be a man. He moved in front of him and... went down on his knees. Well, on one knee.

"I know it's soon and we don't have to go and get married right now. But listen to me." He was feeling braver with each word. "I want this, I want us... And I know things are complicated right now" Philip snorted and he wanted to do the same. Things were always complicated between them "But one day they won't be. And I want to be there, with you. I want to marry you, would you...?" Lukas breathe in "Would you marry me, Philip?"

Philip seemed completely lost for words. It almost reminded him of the scared face he had had when he punched him so many years ago at their high school. Fuck. What if that was not what he wanted? What if Philip didn't want to get married to him at all? Shit. 

Lukas felt his heart turn and hurt inside his chest. What if he had been reading everything wrong? What if his friends were right and the long distance had ruined things? What if- 

"Yes" Philip spoke, soft but clear. One of his hands -he was trembling, Lukas could see that- reaching for one of Lukas'. 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" Philip smiled, barely, kneeling in front of him. "Do you even have a ring?"

Oh. He blushed, and his boy laughed.

"I was going to get one, I just... I... uh..."

Philip laughed. Oh, god. Lukas moved closer, not being able to contain himself any longer and kissed him, hard. They were grabbing and pulling at each other, trying to feel each other as much as possible. Lukas wasn't able to contain himself one bit, he was biting Philip's neck, digging his fingers into his skin, pressing himself against him. And Philip wasn't holding back either, he was all teeth and soft moans and nails.   
God, his fucking fingernails.

Lukas took off his own shirt, looking down at the boy that was a complete mess on the floor under him. He smiled because everything was how it should be. He had Philip, and Philip had him and they were going to be together always. Forever.

"Told you I was going to marry you" 

"Shut up, Lukas. I still need that ring"

Lukas giggled, kissing him again and forgetting about the entire world. His career and Philip's career could wait for a couple of hours. As long as they were inside that hotel room, everything was perfect and nothing could pull them apart. It felt great. 

 

This is how it was going to be. Lukas knew it. He was sure of it. _God, please_ , he thought while kissing Philip's back softly. _Please let me have him. Just for a little while longer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Part 3 will be up this week. But if you are satisfied you can stop at any point you wish >)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Sorry it took so long! Hope you enjoy it :)


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